Waltz of the manhole covers

To the editor,
A few days ago, I was driving the Keenan Drive, cross-town expressway, from Super Valu, out at the mall, towards McDonalds in South Falls. I was fifth in a string of six cars. We had just made the stop on 11th and we were now heading down 17th street towards McD’s.
As I watched the cars ahead of me, it suddenly occurred to me that these were all local folks. I could tell by the way they were weaving through the slalom course of manhole covers, bumper to bumper and in perfect unison. They had them all memorized and were now performing the “Waltz of the Manhole Covers” with great skill. left… left… right… left… right... right…
It also occurred to me that by studying the layout of the manhole covers, one could decipher the rules by which manhole covers are placed in our streets. (Too many seasons of C.S.I. television programs, perhaps?)
At any rate, I applied my best C.S.I. skills and threw in a few geometric algorithms from “NUMBERS” for good measure, and came up with the following three infallible rules concerning the placement of manhole covers in International Falls:
1. There shall be no less five manhole covers per street intersection.
2. All covers shall be placed directly in the path of vehicle tires and never in the center of the street, or near the curb.
3. Covers shall be at least 6 inches above or 6 inches below pavement level.
To verify my findings, I did random spot checks on intersections throughout the city. Sure enough! All of them met these standards. It appears that the manhole situation is well “covered”. (Groan! Sorry, I couldn’t resist that one :)
The only thing we are missing is an assigned “Scrap Metal Squad” to go around picking up the hubcaps, brake shoes, shock absorbers, bumper covers, springs, axles, and false teeth that are sent scattering across the streets by bone-jarring encounters with these cast iron fixtures.
NOTE: This tongue-in-cheek rambling is intended for entertainment purposes only and should by no means be taken as a serious complaint of any kind.
Rod Mortenson
International Falls, MN